Addiction
by shelaughs
Summary: A collection of humorous drabbles based on the Volturi and their guards.
1. Chapter One: Knock Knock

"Knock Knock..." Aro's voice drifted from the other end of the table, where he was leaning back in his chair, ignoring the paperwork in front of him.

"Not now, Aro." Marcus, unlike Aro, was bent over his pile of parchments, his nose almost grazing the paper as he worked.

"Knock, Knock!" His voice was more forceful this time, as the glared down the table. Marcus ignored him.

"Who's there?" Aro glanced up, a broad smile forming on his pale face as his milky eyes took in the form of Jane, leaning gently against the door frame.

"Sadie."

"Sadie Who?" Jane leaned forward in anticipation.

"Sadie magic words, and I'll tell you!" Laughter, that of both a male vampire, and female, boomed around the large room.

Marcus sighed sadly, and rolled his ruby eyes to-wards the ceiling.


	2. Chapter Two: Walking On Sunshine

Aro had decided to cheer his fellow Volturi member up, no matter what it would take.

Valentines day had never been pleasant, especially since Marcus' mate had died in battle. He was always the grumpiest he could be on Valentines Day, and this year was no different than the last.

Marcus was settling down low in his chair, his eyes closed to the world, when he heard the soft brush of robes against the floor, just the the left of his chair. His eyes flew open, and a girlish scream was released.

The marionette dangled infront of his face, it's arms waving in the air.

As startled as he was, it quickly evaporated into anger as Aro's voice boomed from behind him.

"_I'm walking on sunshine , wooah  
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah  
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah  
and don't it feel good!! _"

* * *

Caius and his mate sat calmly in the next room, and were hardly surprised when they heard the sounds of Aro being furiously beaten.

"You'd think he'd have learned by now." Athenodora purred as she stroked the tiny paint brush over her toenails.

"Aro? Hardly," Caius growled, turning over another page in his volume. "You'd think Marcus would learn to _expect _it."

Athenodora shook her head, as Aro's voice continued to boom from the next room:

"_Hey , alright now  
and don't it feel good!!_"


	3. Chapter Three: The Power of Superglue

"_I will find some way to make the ignorant, sorry man pay for his...his... musical number_."

Marcus was sitting calmly next to Caius, thumbing through one of Aro's beloved history books. The only one, at least, that hadn't disappeared.

"Three, Two," He droned, a wicked smile crossing his pale, onion like face. Caius looked at him, nervous perhaps for the first time in his, ah, life. "One."

A girlish shriek, normally attributed to Marcus, could be heard from the far off room of Aro's study. Within seconds, the youngest Volturi member came screaming down the hall, his eyes wide with horror. He knocked everything out of his way, threw pillows off of the couches, tossed Jane across the room..

Then he caught site of Marcus, holding a copy of '_Saving Jane...and Alec_', and the burgundy eyes turned deadly.

"What. Did. You. Do."

"Oh, nothing." Marcus said in a sing-song voice that was amazingly unlike him. Across the room, Demetri helped up Jane, who was absently rubbing her head and watched the scene with wary eyes.

"Marcus."

"Let just say, Aro my friend, that it we didn't have a roof, your books would be- ahem- _walking on sunshine_."

Demetri watched in silence as Aro slowly raised his eyes to the ceiling, and finally found his books. Both him and Jane, whom he still had a decent hold on, winced slightly as Aro screamed again, this time ear-piercingly loud.

"Ah," Alec breathed, coming to stand beside them and watch in wonder. "The power of super-glue."


	4. Chapter Four: Thriller

"Tell me, Demetri, how did this start?" Aro leaned back in his chair, steeping his long fingers. Crimson eyes drifted back and forth between Demetri and Alec, who both shifted nervously.

"W-well, we was in the library, with Jane..." Demetri glanced at Alec.

"When she got a little... hyper... must have been those M&M's..." Alec glanced back, horrified.

"So we left, innocently enough... you know, before she got _too_ hyper..."

"The halls were empty, since it was well into the night..."

"People go into the city, sometimes, just to _roam_..."

"Yes," Aro said, laughing at their terrified expressions. Beside him, Marcus rolled his eye towards the ceiling, for the hundredth time in a row. Caius was no where to be seen. "I'm well aware of that."

"So we were bored. _Extremely_ bored." Alec shivered slightly at the memory.

"And we knew Caius was in his rooms, and he always get so _worked up_ when we bother him, and Lord knows, he's not as bad as _Jane_." Demetri looked slightly apologetic. Alec ignored him, and silence settled.

"Then what?" Aro leaned forward, looking curious. Marcus raised his eyebrows, a look that indicated he was interested.

"Well..."

"We opened the door, and he was in there all right."

Marcus was beginning to grow impatient. Once again, Demetri and Alec exchanged looks, before beginning to sing under their breath, a song that grew steadily louder. Halfway through, Alec gave up, leaping and sobbing into Demetri's lap.

_"__It's Close To Midnight And Something Evils Lurking In The Dark  
Under The Moonlight You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart  
You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It  
You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,  
You're Paralyzed"_

The door opened slowly behind Aro and Marcus, as they listened to the song with open mouths. Caius moved into the light, eyes furious.

Alec began to scream, loud and piercing, a sound no one would have expected to come from him. Demetri looked up, spotted Caius, and "Thriller" died in his throat. Caius picked up where he left off.

_"'Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night  
And No Ones Gonna Save You From The Beast About  
Strike  
You Know It's Thriller, Thriller Night  
You're Fighting For Your Life Inside A Killer, Thriller  
Tonight"_

* * *

Out in the lobby, Jane raised her eyebrows at a smirking Heidi. The screams of the poor men stuck in the room with Caius, who Jane was certain had moved on to the dance routine, echoed throughout the castle.

"You taught him that, didn't you?"

Jane smiled innocently, red eyes sparkling.

"Serves them right for chucking M&M's at me while I was trying to read."

* * *

That was officially the worst crap of a chapter I have _ever_ written.


	5. Chapter Five: I Call Dibs

The young woman screamed, a sound that was almost identical to the one used in the cheesy human horror movies. Demetri had her by both arms, and Felix was moving in quickly, his eyes dark with hunger. Behind them, the three Volturi leaders were sitting quietly on their thrones, each busy with something different. Marcus was carefully writing on a piece of parchment perched on his knee, while Caius had disappeared behind a ancient looking book. Aro was curled into a very "teenage girl" position, a small container of ice cream treats clutched in his hands.

Felix's chuckle was low. "I call Dibs on this one."

_Thunk_.

Something small and dark bounced off the side of his head, landing quietly on the floor at his feet. Felix stared at it for a moment, unable to decide what to do. Terribly confused, he turned back to Demetri and the woman, both of them staring at him in utter surprise.

"As I was saying..."

_Thunk_.

"I call..."

_Thunk_.

"What the..."

_Thunk. Thunk. THUNK_.

"DAMNATION, ARO, EAT YOUR TREATS."

Aro looked up, his face a mask of pure innocence.

"But, Felix, you called dibs. It's not my fault they're trained to come when you call."

Demetri covered his mouth, drowning his snickers, as Felix stuttered himself into silence.

* * *

Idea credit to: the indifferent child of earth, "51 Things Aro Volturi is Not Allowed to Do."


	6. Chapter Six: An Explosive New Year

"Streamers, check. Flashing lights, check. Gigantic ball, check. Explosives, check."

"Explosives?" Marcus' head shot up, his eyes narrowing towards Aro, who stood absolutly still, clipboard in hand.

"Of course. What's a New Years Celebration without explosives in the gigantic ball?" Aro smiled, and his eyes fell back to his clipboard.

"Aro," Marcus spoke slowly, wary eyes darting towards the door to the next room, where he was certain that Jane and the others were slowly counting down from sixty. "Confetti goes inside the gigantic ball, not explosives. Please, please tell me you've made a mistake."

"No mistake, Marcus. I said this celebration would be explosive, right?"

Marcus moaned loudly, and the voices in the next room grew louder.

"Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven."

"Hurry! Marcus, you'll miss it!"

Aro took off towards the main room, but Marcus lept on his back, sending both of them to the floor.

"JANE! DON'T LET THE BALL-"

The sound of the explosion was amazing, there was no doubt about that. Jane's scream, however, was twice as loud, and twice as deadly sounding.

"Uh oh."

Aro was already sprinting across the room when Jane stormed in, her face black and hair knotted, looking positively furious.

Marcus sighed as he pointed Jane in the direction Aro had ran, before moving slowly in to inspect the damage.

"Poor Aro will scream alot tonight." Caius said indifferently.

* * *

I wrote this chapter on December 31st, 2007. Unfortunately, I lost it during a computer transfer. Turns out, I had it stored in a file on my mp3, so here it is. Late, as ever.

Plus, _more reviews please_. I've had tons of hits, and only one review.


	7. Chapter Seven: We Have Cookies

**JOIN THE VOLTURI: WE HAVE COOKIES.**

"What the hell is that?" Heidi stared up at the sign in disbelief. This was the third one she'd found since setting out that morning. They'd been placed all over the city, mostly over man holes leading into the castle, though she had just found one directly over the front door entrance. The posters were rather large, Bristol board sized, and each had the same saying on them, with a painted picture of three men in black robes, surrounded by people in lighter grey ones. They were all eating cookies.

"I don't know," Came Demetri's voice behind her. Heidi turned to find both Demetri and Alec standing there, just as confused as she was. "They're all over the city. We took them down." He reached over Heidi's head and ripped the poster down, rolling it up and shoving it into Alec's already overflowing arms.

"Who do you think did it?" Alec asked, peering over the top of numerous posters.

There was a moments silence, before all three spoke at the same time.

"Aro."

Heidi sighed, her burgundy eyes rolling towards the sky.

"We'd better go and tell Caius." She said.

Demetri and Alec nodded in agreement.

* * *

"_He did what_?!"

Caius stared at the posters laid out before him. Marcus was peering over his shoulder, as bored as ever.

"They were all over the city, Master." Demetri explained.

"This one was over the front entrance!" Heidi held up a poster similar to all the rest. The only difference was the text at the bottom: **APPLY HERE.**

As Caius continued to stare, open mouthed, Aro skipped into the throne room. As he spotted the posters, his face fell, and became angry.

"Why'd you take them down?" He demanded.

"Why'd you _put them up_?" Caius snarled, equally angry.

"For recruitment. Duh." Aro stuck his nose in the air, and turned away from Caius.

"Recruitment."

"Yes."

"How many?"

"Over three hundred. I want lots of new guards, especially one who can burp the alphabet."

Heidi glanced up.

"But, Master, if you change them... they won't be _able_ to-"

"Don't do it." Warned Alec out of the corner of his mouth.

"Aro, leave. Heidi, Demetri, Alec? Take the others and hunt down those posters..."

Aro began to object, but Caius cut him off.

"Marcus..?"

Marcus looked up, about to say there was no way he was helping clean up Aro's mess.

"Lock the storage room. Aro isn't allowed to have any more Bristol board... burn it, if you have to!"

There was a pause.

"Get rid of the cookies, too."

* * *

Upstairs, Jane flinched as she heard Aro's wail of discontent.

"So," Muttered Sulpicia quietly. "They found his cookie stash, then."

* * *

Idea credit to: the indifferent child of earth, "51 Things Aro Volturi is Not Allowed to Do."


End file.
